Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
