I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
