I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
should my penis look like a turkey
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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