walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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