no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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