I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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