Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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