I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
