brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
