i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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