Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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