Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
