kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
