I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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