Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
