the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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