Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
