Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
