Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
