peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
