I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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