sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
