Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
