I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
