explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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