I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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