my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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