sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet