My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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