ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
