And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
