I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Randomize
