he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
