I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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