You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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