Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
