ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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