What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
