Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
