i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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