When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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