Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
