Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
