We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
