Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
