my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
