yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
