my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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