Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
