I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
