omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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