Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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