U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
