I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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