Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
