My nipple is on Facebook.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
