dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
she woke up with a sticky ear
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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