So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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