i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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