i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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