My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
